This week we’ve been getting our kitchen re-done, along with some other odd household jobs. Below is a selection of some of the conversations I have had with the builder tasked with the work.
Sentiments in brackets I thought in my head but managed not to say out loud…
Me: Hi, I got a voicemail saying I had to call you urgently. What’s the problem?
My Builder Friend: I was phoning to let you know that we have keys to your house so let ourselves in this morning.
Me: Erm yes, I saw you… I was the one who showed you where the teabags were. And the biscuits.
MBF: Well I just thought I should let you know that we are here. We have keys.
Me: (And early onset dementia?) Okay, that’s great. See you tomorrow!
MBF: Okay, we have keys so we can let ourselves in!
Me: Morning, kitchen’s looking good. Although I couldn’t help but notice that there’s only one power point now… Stretching that flex taut over the sink to plug in the washing machine isn’t really ideal…Also, what about all the other appliances?
MBF: yeah, we put a cupboard in front of the old socket. It’s still there, you just can’t get to it. The others are the same.
Me: Okaaaaay. So are you going to put some new sockets in? One for a whole kitchen isn’t really enough…Also, we can’t keep pulling the washing machine out so that the flex will stretch to the power point…
MBF: Would you like me to bring you some extension cables? That would solve the problem.
Me: SOME extension cables? What, as a temporary measure?
MBF: Erm… Well if you want actual sockets, we’ll have to call the sparkie.
Me: (well thank the lord they don’t let you mess about with electricity) Yes, I think that would be a good idea. I don’t think a load of extension cables trailing across the kitchen is ideal… Do you?
MBF: It’ll take longer if we do actual sockets. And there is the one here that works. Look I’ll show you!
Me: Yes, I know it works! I had to plug the washing machine into it last night! And yes, I imagine it will take longer but plugging everything into that one beside the sink isn’t really ideal, is it?
MBF: Yeah, it won’t look very good, will it?
Me: (Arghhh yes I’m female, clearly it’s the aesthetics that are concerning me!) No, no it won’t. All those trailing wires over the sink…
MBF: Okay, I’ll call the sparkie… But it will take longer to do it your way… I guess I’ll just do all the tiling whilst I wait…
Me: I’m no expert… But is that a good idea? Won’t the electrician need to take them off to put sockets in?
MBF: Yeah but I need something to do today.
Me: Hi, I had a message to call you back?
MBF: Yes, I wanted to let you know that we’ll be round at lunchtime on Friday to do some work…
Me: Okay… That’s fine. Just hang on to the keys.
MBF: We’ll get the keys from the management company.
Me: But you’ve got keys, haven’t you? Also, on the voicemail you got the address wrong. I’m at Cardiff road.
MBF: Cardiff Road? That’s funny, we’re at a job on Cardiff road just now!
Me: Yes, I know. My house. I saw you this morning.
MBF: Ominous silence
Me: So you’re finishing the kitchen on Friday? Including the sockets?
MBF: Yes, we’re coming to you on Friday, 40 Park View.
Me: (Oh sweet Jesus, give me strength!) I. Live. On. Cardiff. Road.
MBF: Are you sure? This is the number I was given.
Me: Quite sure.
MBF: Do you think I was given the wrong number?
Me: I don’t know. You had my number already though; you’ve called me before. I really need to get back to work now.
MBF: Okay… But we’ll be on the job at Park View on Friday.
Me: Well you need to call the person who lives there and tell them that.
MBF: But this is the number I was given. Can you tell them?
Me: (Arghhhhhhh) No, sorry, I don’t know that person.
MBF: Do you think I was given the wrong number?
Me: Yes. Yes I imagine you were. But you’ll need to get the right number and call the person whose house you’re going to on Friday… (Incidentally, aren’t you meant to be at MY house organising MY SOCKETS on Friday?!)
MBF: (mutters) But I’m sure that was the number I was given…
MBF: I’ve got 2 smoke alarms I need to put up.
Me: Okay, great.
MBF: Where do you think I should hide them?
Me: Hide them?!
MBF: Yeah, where should they go?
Me: Well, one upstairs and one downstairs, high up. Not in kitchen…
MBF: Are you sure?
Me: (This is your JOB!) Yes, I’m sure. If one goes in the kitchen it’ll go off every time we burn toast. So how about one here above this door, that’s nice and central, and then one upstairs in the hall, too.
MBF: No, I meant do you really want them out in the open? I could put them under the stairs?
Me: Under the stairs?! No, they need to be high up. I’m sure they do…
MBF: But we don’t want them somewhere obstructive. They won’t look nice.
Me: (I believe you might mean obtrusive, not obstructive, but I’m not going to correct you…) No, I really think they’ll be fine above the doors.
MBF: Well if you’re sure… Don’t you want them to look nice? I could attach them on under the stairs then you wouldn’t see them… I could hide the carbon monoxide detector there, too.
Me: No, please put them where I said.